Sometimes, I find myself in the exact same situations as you — I also have a fulltime job and creating an audience is not it, and I also know I am not totally shit etc. etc. Dunno how this works, what can I say.
I actually hate it when people say ”keep on writing” :))) because that is what everyone does. It is not in the habit, but in the quality of it… which seems not to matter necessarily (for mainstream).
But I feel you — I also have this selfish desire to be read, to be contradicted, whatever, just to feel .. somehow, more significant? To feel that what I write is not only for myself?
Also sometimes, I just do not give a s***, and just write for the sake of it.