Sometimes I find myself fearing too much happiness. Like somehow it is a whole lot and it will soon be taken away from me. This happens because of two reasons: I generally tend to believe in a homeostasis, a balance between “happiness” and “unhappiness” in life, and secondly, because it is not that I don’t believe I deserve it, but I fear it is overwhelmingly delusional. Probably an irrational thing to think, right?
Of course, happiness is what we create inside of us and technically, it should be independent of external factors — because we own it, through our attitudes and thoughts. While I haven’t reached that level yet, partly because I’m constantly building it, I can’t deny that many times, external factors do affect my happiness — in increasing it, usually, which makes it vulnerable to dissipating faster.
There are days in which so many things go well, and I accomplish desires I longed for in a while, or the day is sunny and a general good vibe tremors through my body. Like I inhale and exhale happiness. And then … the heavy grey clouds come. ”Enjoy it while you can, Anca, because it will not last”. Says …. the inside of my head. Then I enjoy it for a little longer, but with a decreased intensity, until days go by and it remains a nice memory or I change my zen mood to another one, less happier.
Why the heck am I feeding this monstrous creature?
Why do I cancel my own happiness?
Rationally, I don’t think the Universe magically destroys massive happiness because this is how it happens and we only have a limited portion of happiness we can afford, thus it is conditioned. Which is not. However, these are actual thoughts crossing my mind. The other week I was living some extremely happy days, and there it was again: the fear of losing all that. This begs the question: how can I own the moment, if it can be lost? (hint: I have no idea — To whom does the moment belong to, if not to me?)
It is a bit frustrating, both not being able to immersing myself in the whole happiness, and fearing something worse will soon happen. What’s even odder, is when I am angry or going through rough days — I always tell myself the sun is going to shine on my street again, and it works. :)) What the actual fudge?
As a pledge to some universal power, I started doing gratefulness sort-of-meditation not only for a genuine gratitude reason, but for the same fear as well. While I am truly grateful for good things coming my way, it’s also a “just in case someone needs proof I’m still humble”. How hypocrite, but honest at the same time! :)
And then, perhaps if I do an exercise and actually keep track of the days when I think all will come crumbling over me, but it doesn’t, then maybe I’ll be more relieved. Yeah, should do that. If my mind can’t convince me, maybe science will.
Leaving the complaining aside and getting back to the homeostasis reference, in fact, sometimes I think I don’t even want to pursue happiness — rather achieve a state where sadness or happiness alike, I’ll welcome them both and let them in the flow of my life, but not changing necessarily who I am. Will I turn into a senseless, annoying person? Who knows. As long as I transform the monsters into allies, sounds like a good option to me.